Someone told me to reprogram my cells to remember life how it was before I took on identity of sick girl.  Oh what a bitch it is proving to be.

But I am working out everyday, 2 miles at least.

eating right most of the time.  My new indulgence is a gelato smoothie with lots of bananas, peanutbutter and collard greens. yum’

I need to train more but my shoulder keeps hurting me so I am trying to take it easy, getting up every ten minutes to talk to my fish, walk around the house. try to get my brain flowing.  The house we are buying has not closed yet and I swear I can feel the anger, pain and stress flooding my poor cells.  I am losing I can tell just by the mirrors but I want to be more than that.. I miss living my life for only me, always worrying if I am hurting feelings.

I got myself a bearded dragon.  I named him Danny. Getting him to eat his veggies is just like having any other two year old.  He seems very happy, at least for a lizard who lives in a cage.  This is just his playpen.  His new cage is going to be 100 gallons or more when we finally CLOSE>  I need a scalp massage before I kill someone.

Sorry it has been awhile since I have actually posted, I have started a couple drafts but not ready for then to be posted. I have been a little preoccupied lately, the guy that I talk about in a previous post, I am going to call him Sexxy Pants,  the guy that made me believe in love at first sight, we are in a relationship now…finally after knowing him two years. He admitted to me that he cared about me, but that was only after a friend talk to him. So I basically have been spending most of my time with him on skype since we live in two different states. He came to help me, my sister, my grandmother and two kids move to our new house. I was so excited to see him after not seeing him for so long. I was still a nervous wreck, could barely find words to say to him. The night he got here, we were cooking together and my crazy, hyper sister comes in with her camera and tells us to kiss..lets just say I wanted to jump out of my skin, me nervous+ first kiss= NOT GOOD. Haha. It has been great having him here, my kids love him so much. I am going to be very sad when he actually has to leave. He is so great, funny, caring, intelligent best of all my kids love him!! I want to spend the rest of my life with him and can actually see a future with him unlike other guys that I have dated. I only wanted to marry my daughters father, because I did not want my daughter to suffer and go through what I went through when my mother and father got divorced. Sexxy Pants is truely my best friend and means more to me than anything in this world with the exception of my kids and of course god has to come first. He knows everything there is to know about me and I am always learning something new about him everyday! Honestly I am not used to being treated the way he treats me by a guy, and yeah it is scary, and there are times I don’t know what to do or say. Like for example: Today he made me dinner, he did not expect me to do anything and told me to sit down and relax. I felt weird like I needed to get up and help, I have never had a guy cook for me without me doing most of the work. I feel like that is the pampered life and I have never been pampered so it is something I have to get used to. I sometimes feel like maybe I say “thank you” to much or I apologize to much but I can’t help it. I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy or I don’t deserve a good guy because of choices I have made in my life. I am working on excepting that I do deserve to be loved but it has been difficult. But I shall be typing more soon, I haven’t totally stopped blogging.

Rex

My shoulder still hurts.  I blame my ultra competitive self trying to beat my sister at every challenge in wii, running around the house for two hours screaming and trying to shake the stupid control.. which does not catch every motion.  Husband put me on forced rest.  No working out.  So  I am eating very healthy to make up for it.

I just found a new website I like http://www.fatgirlwearingthin.com/ I hope this link works otherwise I need to bug my website guys.  She is doing a hate loss challenge to get people to start speaking more life on themselves.  I have a theory the reason people are so overweight today isn’t as much food as it is how hateful they are to one another compared to polite times.

I finally figured out how to hyperlink.  For this I will have tea in celebration! I am toying with the idea of posting every meal I eat after new years the way some people do.. in pictures.  I bet taking pictures of every meal I eat will keep me from overindulging or having more bread than necessary..

I don’t think my sister has totally abandoned the site.  Shes in love, whose to say!  My favorite present this Christmas was my sports bras.  Gigantic boobs thanks you grandma.  I go through them like people use tissue paper.

My betta fish is still going strong despite my idiotic attempts to kill him.  This time I was cleaning his tank out.  He was in a little bowl while I was working, only the glass was far too hot so when I filled up the lukewarm water it heated the water to 100.  I froze.  I have already had one die of a disease the antibiotics would not help and one commit suicide when I was trying to clean his water.  My quick thinking sister grabbed a drinking glass and scooped him out and cooled it off.  I never knew a little fish would cause me such anxiety.

I am disgusted I froze I never freeze.  Maybe its betta fish ptsd from going through two funerals in two weeks.  He has been assured as soon as I close on this new house and move he will have a 20 gallon to himself, a fifty gallon if he requests, money is no object!   I spent an hour apologizing to him and singing him jazz standards.  Hell I don’t care what ya’ll think. I do it for my lizards too.  The cats aren’t as fond.  He must have forgiven me he swims up to be petted.  Thats right I have weird animals.

My anoles are hand tame too and will sit on me.  I have a cat who is friends with a leopard gecko.  Well we’ve established I’m a weird animal girl.  What I need to establish is an identity apart of “sick me”  I have gone the last 3 years with my belly weirdly swollen and sticking out and I have let it conform to my identity instead of remaining who I really am despite it.

I used to always be the one who climbed the house, tree, jumped in the gulf and swam out a half mile by myself while my brother panicked on land.. walked up to gator ponds to check them out.  Being sick and having limited mobility in 09 seems to have fucked with my head in some ways I really miss the real me.

I am thinking of taking a voice class to get my range back.  We’ll see what the new year brings.  Harmony has a gentleman caller coming this week.  That should be fun, I never thunk one of my brothers and mine) best guy friends would fall in love with our annoying baby sister.  Mazel Tov you two.

I over trained the 22nd, My shoulder is stabbing me and breathing is painful.  So I spent the 23rd doing two easy miles and some leg work taking painkillers.  Hey just because your hurt doesn’t mean you give up.

The 24th I just did some calisthenics and running around stores.  Its past midnight now..  I’m not one for Christmas I prefer Halloween. Red and green don’t go together, Santa is a lovely concept but I came from a rough 7-14 years where my toys would disappear for no reason. My theory is my drunk thief sold them.  I still wonder what happened to you Little miss makeup grandmother got me,  I had you for exactly two weeks before you “disappeared”

As an adult there was always some kind of dysfunctional snobby fight at skunkface and psychos.. I would have to take a shot of vodka before I went every year, my tradition. Kept me calm during the passive aggression, more willing to laugh at her turtlenecks then to fight back.   I do miss the crab dip they sometimes have at new years, must look that recipe up.

I am so happy to be free of the truly dysfunctional dangerous people for my health.  They make wonderful tales.  Nora Ephron says everything is copy.  Especially the horrible.  All writers advise us to remember the scars.  Who knows it might strike a chord in someone.. or make them laugh.  I am definitely not “still wounded” I may sound a bit cynical but I am not.. If I were I would not have my sister here with a crazy child who drives me mad. But I adore every moment of it.

I tend to go overboard and spend a lot of money on people and not want anything myself, except tank tops I live in Old Navy tank tops.  The more weight I lose the warmer I am all the time, soon I will just run around in a bikini all day long.

I suppose someday I will cook or host parties.. I would cook a large spread now if they wanted. My grandma is depressed because my mother is so far away.  So we do our best to make the holidays happy for her.   I am making a roast instead of ham and the trimmings because everyone is watching their weight go down and we intend to keep it that way.

This year I am waiting for our house we are buying to finally close and pay the movers.  The prudent thing is to wait to get gifts.  Last year I spent some money getting tots toys because I remember after I left grandmas, where I had everything I could possibly want/need except my brother and had to live with drunk thief and mother.. we had nothing. I remember how that feels.  If I were a millionaire instead of just “incredibly comfortable” I would give fifty thousand a year to children, elderly and animals and not miss a penny.   Those are the ones closest to my heart, kids, animals and the elderly.   The ones society considers useless and disposable.

Chanukah Sameach and Merry Christmas

Today to mix things up.  We played on our wii .. we ran the short 2 player challenge, did 2 rounds of the jillian michaels multiplayer challenge.. the tire thing pisses us off) and then later I did some yoga with myself for ten minutes, and hula hooping.  Trying to become very active I get up every 20 minutes when working at my desk, run to kitchen get iced water, have a water cooler conversation with my betta fish who live in my bookcase at the moment.  Spend some time playing with my cats.. chase the toddler around screaming, for fun not fury.

Drop and do random strength training, maybe some pole floor work for a few songs.. anything to stay moving.. because I want all this excess fat the damn tumor put on me to fry.. I already lost 100 now I need to finish the job. I am sore.. too sore to keep working out.  The little marine in my head is screaming not sore enough get that butt out of your chair and do squats.. planks and pushups for whining! So I will. ten each

I was playing with different exercises and found these at the mayo clinic.  I did the planks.  I also messed with a link on stumbleupon thats not working.  Heres the mayoclinic set.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/core-strength/SM00047&slide=12

I decided to try them all. Even the planks. I did ten planks, 40 lunges. I have been unable to do proper planks since I got pregnant in 09 and then surgery etc. I did TEN planks.  If I can do ten planks I can do damn near anything.

I just read myths on diabetes, interesting.  I disagree excess calories is the only cause, I think cortisol is a nasty little bastard too.  I am fairly sure my blood pressure and sugar levels are a direct result of the hatred, negativity and stress which I have fought.

I originally typed coped with.   Ending a sentence that way, for shame. Its how we talk now.  I argue with my inner english nerd who frequently steers me wrong, for instance comma loving.

Now I am reviewing foods that burn fat.

Grapefruit-I would rather give Castro a bikini wax than eat grapefruit, it tastes like ear wax I don’t care what people say.  I am with homer simpson, dip that shit in sugar.

berries-alittle tart.  But doable with some sweetener just sprinkled on top. I have picky picky tastebuds.

Watermelon. I can eat one by myself in a day.  It will be all I eat leaving me reeling with sugar drunkenness and happy smiles. 

celery-good plain, with ranch, with peanut butter, raisins etc.

cucumbers-I steal them compulsively. So whenever Harmony makes a plate she makes me one or I run off with it and lock the door. Lived with animals too long.

Hot peppers- Om nomnom. With some cream cheese and sausage you can make a delectable jalepeno popper or you can chop them up and have jalepeno /sausage cream cheese alfredo.  Put them in salads, sandwiches, eat them raw.  Just don’t try to cool your mouth with soda or water, milk works best. My brother swears by lemonade ick.

Eggs-I start almost everyday with eggs, a piece or two of toast, a piece of ham and a huge glass of milk. I almost can’t function without eggs. I am also one of those dinner for breakfasts, breakfast for dinner people.  I love the versatility of eggs.

Fish- I love to eat fish, especially sushi but since adopting two bettas I feel guilty so I haven’t. I can never befriend a cow or that will be it for my meat eating.

I tried being vegetarian at 22 and loved it but one day I was sizing my ex-husband up for a spit, he recognized the predatory stare and took me to TGI Fridays to share ribs, steak, chicken.. that was the bitter end of my attempts.  My cat had a heart to heart with me and told me since he eats meat I may without guilt.  That may have been hallucination brought on by low iron. I was eating mostly toasted wheat bread veggie burgers and salad.

Greek yogurt- I cannot do yogurt unless I drink it.  The texture is creepy and I feel like I am sucking on chalky fruit mud.  That said, I love smoothies.

Ice water-I have a graveyard of bottles in my office.

Coffee-not allowed it after six. Husbands rules or I call him up crying I haven’t slept, hallucinating.  I love it anyway and frequently break the rules.  Sumatra/Espresso by Starbucks is out of this world.

Green tea-stinks and not even honey and sugar can save it for me. If you can drink green tea.  You’re a bad ass.

I stumbled on some delicious looking breakfast ideas.  Help yourself. Again sorry trying to insert a link, not working.

http://www.realsimple.com/food-recipes/recipe-collections-favorites/easy-breakfast-recipes-kids-00000000038639/index.html

The entire site is looking good I may have to dig in more here.

Watermelon credit to Arvind Balaraman

There were no spoons so I took grandma to lunch and filled up on salad, Ate healthy basically all day.

2 miles of walking/jogging

Not feeling chatty about inner healing or physical health.  Am addicted to Person of Interest. I watched five in a row.  Might need the tv equivalent of methadone.

My fish committed suicide today during a tank cleaning and jumped out.  After a few hours of craziness and me telling everyone I am a murderer. I got two more, this time male bettas with their own tanks to see if I can go without killing anyone.  I have nine happy lizards and four cats so I am not a murderer.

Hes fakin it I swear!

I didn’t work out I ran around the pet store instead using my grief as a reason to shop.  I don’t want to work out today I’m not up to it.  Moody and weird instead.. I always am a few days after someone passes.

I really dug in today and forced myself to face some of my issues. Did alot of reading, about inner healing and fear.  One suggestion is to list every fear.. and list how it came in and if it is helping or worth having.. I need to do that.

I also did 40 pilates situps, a pilates session and two miles with my sister.

Am going back purely low carb and trying to cut the sugar out of my coffee and tea, my one down fall.  Otherwise I drink milk, water, coffee, tea.  I dislike soda.

I am moving, to an amazing place my husband bought “me” He talks about it like its my mausoleum.  Okay it is very big and dreamy, with a tri level massive adult sized tree house I am going to live in.  Also a house in the backyard with a workshop in it.  So a mini suburban manor of sorts I am so happy, blessed, proud of him.

I make too many words compound when they aren’t but I think it looks pretty.. same reason they stuck me in special ed in first grade.  They thought I had autism in the cruel, stupid eighties because I drew my letters backwards, rocked and lived in my own dreamy land.  I still live there bitches! Now it has a treehouse, pool, and more.  There I go again with the made up compound word. I am leaving it.

When I start to feel lazy I put on Heavy, or Mtv’s I used to be fat.  Now I am not reviewing them now, suffice to say, it gets me going and out of a sleepy desire to curl in bed with my cat all day.  I will review them some night I am not tired.  Now drop and give me 20, you’ll thank me later.

A couple nights before I left to go to Michigan, my ex boyfriend said he would watch our daughter while I went out with some friends. we first went to a couple of 18+ clubs and of course my older friends were sneaking me drinks. When we left the second one, a friend of a friend, told us about some party that was going on and invited us to go. We accepted, me thinking I would only be there for a little bit. Everything was going great, it was fun..there was chatting, dancing, beer pong some other drinking game with cards. I was having fun but in the back of mind, I was still thinking about what happened two days ago. How my whole life fell to pieces in a matter of seconds, how I was blaming myself for him cheating on me and blaming myself that my innocent baby girl was going to grow up with her daddy. I started talking to this guy, and not even realizing it until like the 4th drink that had soon had way to much to drink, and could not focus on anything. He had asked to go some where quiet to talk and so we went upstairs and we were talking, everything was okay.

I stumbled and he sat me on the bed, he then tried kissing me and kissing my neck and I kept trying to push him away and he just kept pressing in harder and harder. Soon I found him on top of me, trying to take my shirt off, and i slapped him and kept hitting his arms as much as I could but was having a hard time focusing, he then slapped me across the face and at that point I just could not fight back…I felt to so horrible after that, scared, hurt, blaming myself..was always thinking well if I would have doe it this way it would have never happened to me.. For so many nights after I had nightmares and could not escape what happened. I am still mad to this day that I did not do a damn thing about him and he got away with it. And I feel I should have locked him away or maybe chopped his penis off so he could not do it to other females, which I am sure he has.

When I first got to Michigan my brother and his wife came and picked me and my daughter up from the airport. It was so wonderful to see my brother, I had not seen him before that since I was 13. I last seen his wife when I was 13 but at that time she was just his girlfriend. They drove me to where my Grandma and my sister were living, then we all went to steak and shake to eat a late night dinner. I got to meet my nieces and nephew for the first time and I felt so greatful that I go to see and spend time with all of them. I will admit that I was a mess when i first moved, and I was not nice to people, I was angry, and feeling sorry for myself. I made life hell for my sister especially, not intentionally. At that point I was angry and had a bad temper. They soon moved away, and left me with the house, the only thing I had to do was clean it up and pay the utilities when I started working, that was a great deal and a small price to pay for my own house. My grandmothers house was  what I would say is semi evil, even though it was blessed many times.

Yes many people will think that I am crazy but I don’t care. I‘ve seen things by the closet upstairs in my sisters room, and the bottom of the stairs, I swear the basement was one of the portals to hell, I also had visions a girl was once tortured in the basement.

One night I came home from my brothers house at midnight, and I called his wife and told her I forgot my daughters bottle and while I was on the phone with her, some guy that was homeless came to the door, it is a good thing that my Grand mother put a latch on the porch screen door, otherwise he would have been face to face with me. He then said to me, I will do work if you give me a place to stay and all I did was shut the door and lock it.

I told my sister in law that some guy came to the door, and she said im sure he is gone. I got off the phone with her and a few minutes later I heard banging on the back door like someone was trying to get in.

I grabbed a kitchen knife and took my daughter upstairs and called my sister, my grandmother then called the cops, which I thought was sooo sweet considering they were states away. The cops came and searched for him, but only came up with foot prints in the snow by the back door. After that I became scared to live alone, it triggered so many emotions, from my child hood and living in the ghetto, to living in San Francisco.

I then moved into my brothers house with his wife and three kids and at that point was working at Papyrus. His wife was a stay at home mother which made it easier on me to work which I was so thankful for. We then told her landlord that I was living there and I started to pay them rent. I was great living with them, we argued one time and that’s only because I could not comprehend the bus system and she had to tell me like a hundred times and then I still don’t think I really got it. Ha. My brother was going into the military, and was preparing for basic, and we decided it would be a good idea to have parties every weekend until he left.

It was always the same people that came to the party, there was a guy that I had met when I came to visit when I was thirteen, he can be a bit loud and outgoing but he is very nice.

Then there was a guy that when he walked through the door I just completely fell in love, I just knew someday he would be my husband. I never ever believed love at first sight existed but I have definitely changed my mind. I would have never told him that I fell for him back then, he would think I was crazy having just met me. I was so shy around him and could not find words to say to him for the life of me. He was funny but yet you could tell he was a sweet heart and could be serious when he needed to be.

When I discovered these feelings for him I told myself, ” I thought I would have never loved again, after my my daughters father.” ” Could this be true feelings?” Soon after my brother left to go to basic, the landlord and her husband decided they did not want to have more people living in the house because they wanted to sell it, so they gave me 2 weeks to find a place to go, while they told me that, I fought really hard to hold back my tears, I was finally making something of myself since letting myself go after my ex hurt me so bad,

I was finally making a relationship with my brother, sister in law, and my nieces and nephew and that I would never get to see the guy I was certain that I would have married. I went upstairs and cried my eyes out, thinking “when is it my turn to get a break.” I then became frantic calling family i had in town, seeing if any of them would help me and my daughter out until I got on feet, of course they all made excuses, which I knew they would have, since they fail to ever contact me, even still to this day they don’t talk to me.

They look at me as a an ugly because I had a baby before I was married and I went through life struggling, unlike them, there stuck up asses..Ugh they make me angry. I had no choice but to ask my ex for help, I could not even stand the thought of him at all but I had to ask for his help, all I could think was that it was for my daughter. I called him and told him my situation and he was okay with helping me. I then went back to San Francisco, living in the same house with my ex was tough, very tough.

In May I decided I needed to get out and away from him and found a shelter for families, one of the nicer shelters, you had your own room, with a bed, dresser, closet, end table with a lamp. You had chores to do everyday, they cooked breakfast and dinner and it was always all you can eat, then for lunch they had a kitchenette area where you could cook yourself food, they had a living room for everyone, and two playrooms for the kids. One was only used after dinner and the other was for anytime. You had to see a case worker every week and had to either be working, going to school or seeking either work or school.

The kids had story time at 7:30pm and had to be in bed by 8pm every night. Kianna loved it there, she always had someone to play with and everyone loved her. we both made some lasting friends there! Some people might frown on making friends in a homeless shelter but this was not your ordinary shelter, people were there for all different reason, but none of them were there because they were on drugs or because they were alcoholics.

I heard some amazing stories from some of them. Although most of them were nice, you still had the bad apple in the group, that purposely bleached my clothes, and admitted to putting  laxatives in my daughters milk that was in the community refrigerator. At that point I needed to leave before I killed a bitch. One of my friends had asked me if I wanted to live with her in her 2 bedroom apartment with her boyfriend and her daughter. I gladly  accepted the invitation.

I have been checking out the competition.  No its not really competition because a good writer, even a competent writer can find herself with lots of readers.  I love to peek into peoples lives! Got to say I just discovered Pasta queen what an awesome smartass.. I have spent the last two days reading her new blog and old one.

I don’t like small talk though I am creepy and will say something totally off the wall or embarrassing about myself.  Not breaking the ice, shattering it into a billion pieces.  I think friendship is like dating, you know if there is possible chemistry, deep down and its fun to test people.

Well I have been perusing many blogs.  I feel left out.  Eating is not an issue for me.  I tried weight watcher’s to support my grandmother and Harmony.   In the two days I counted points I naturally eat whatever my body needs and at my perfect amount of points.  I like to move, I love to exercise, dance, fight.  Thats not an issue either unless my hip is acting up. My issue is a self esteem that suffers multiple personalities.  One day I am storming around like Bette Davis with the bitch face of doom or a sweet smiling Disney princess..

I want to stay in the house for two weeks and catch up on my reading, can’t bear to shower much and public appearances curdle my blood. I think some of its tied to hormones, miscarriages I have had and not properly “mourned” or dealt with.. and past abuses I am still working through.

I developed my smart ass mouth as far back as I can remember.  I was never teased for my weight, I didn’t actually have a weight problem.  Only step freaks said so actually.  I was teased once in awhile for spacing out on what I wore the day before.  I have the mind of a mad scientist and my nose was usually in a Stephen king novel, or a classic, anything.  So I would wear GASP! the same jeans or a sweater two days in a row.  Not because we were dirt poor.  Because I didn’t give a shit, still don’t.  Fashion can be fun but never been one to even notice a trend.

After I moved in with mother, she had a weird crowd of artsy, musical, nerdy people.  My smart ass fit in well and I spent my time when I wasn’t reading, hanging out with the older teens, playing trivia on BBS’ (bulletin board systems) the VERY early 90s interwebs. Then I had to go to psycho’s and was banned from the interwebs unless I got on it at grandma’s.  Apparently if you are a teen girl you were destined to meet a pedophile or show off your body.  Thinking back, I think it was less protective and more trying to wash all freethinking and thought crimes from my brain.  Did not work.

I remember before I got sick at 18 and then again at 23, I was always jumping up and down happy.  Nothing really perturbed me.. I would boldly go to any audition, wear anything.  I refuse to say life wore me down.  I am not mentally ill.. just.. set me back a bit.  As detailed in my earlier motley posting of diary pages.  I can finally look in the mirror without revulsion at my face which has been so despised by parents, teachers once.. even a “mentor”

One time psycho showed one of my very younger sisters a picture of me as an 8 yr old.  Yes I had a fat head I was horribly abused and the cortisol showed in my chipmunk face. Not my body.  He told her it was proof I was a witch. he also told her I have always been huge and never slender, that I lied about it.. um hello I have yearbooks? How hes not committed to a booby hatch yet I find a miracle.  It got to me because I triumphed over ALL of my past, fought my way to get the life I have and then to have someone use that knowing what I had been through and gotten past.  It just makes me fucking sick to think about.

I want to list the bullshit things that have been spoken over me.  I am still incredulous over how long it took me to realize they were lies.. catty bitchy hateful lies.. from both genders. I had someone get me over my mirror phobia and camera issues, then when I got thin again too fast for her taste she went after my eyes, lips, jaw, nose.. etc.     Anything to guarantee my strongholds and self loathing would come back because I had so much respect for her.   It did come back, for several years those words bounced around in my head.. until she screamed at me in the middle of her salon showing what a shrew she truly is.. then I got a clue.

A few came from the skunkface and psycho and I always knew she was full of shit.  It didn’t bother me as much.  This is just a handful of them.. if you have heard them from anyone, anywhere.  Know they are full of shit too.

Your back is too broad.Of course it is, have you seen my rack?

Your boobs are too big, they are too showy.  Thats because my back is too broad silly.  Of course the same woman said this. like seriously.  I didn’t say like in high school or omg. I say them now.

Your eyes are too small, you have the smallest eyes I have ever seen.  The person who said this to me had saucer sized eyes that bulged out so maybe to her everyone should look like a Kewpie doll.

You have the widest jaw I have ever seen on a woman. Uh thanks?

Your legs are too long, they make you lanky.  This one didn’t hurt me I was proud of being a giant to mean people.

You have a chin like Jay Leno’s… no really I don’t I even traced my shadow on paper to make sure.  This was said by someone with no chin, so maybe my chin intimidated them?

Your feet are like waterskies.  Yes they are long, thin,  At five nine I would tip over if they were a size six.

Your nose is too small, too flat.  Too pointy etc.

Your lips are too fat have you had collagen? alternatively too small. Make up your damn mind! I do hold them tight in some pictures or I look duck faced.

Your butt is too round for your ethnicity. um really? bite me ya racist freak.

You’re belly is too swollen to be from being sick, you must secretly eat scads of mcdonald’s.  That was from a doctor when I was 23.  Actually it was swollen because I had a tumor the size of god.. no really a small watermelon.

Bad doc go to the corner, while I ponder your punishment awhile.

This is actually a photo with terrible exposure where I was chewing on my glasses my husband took.  Heres another.

Earlier I had 2 cookies (sinful! dastardly, outrageous!) from subway and a cold cut trio loaded with veggies.  The only interesting thing is the minute sugar hits my bloodstream I go nuts.  Coked out chattering jumping up and down.. I will tackle your ass nuts.  I rammed my sister to tackle her playfully pouring iced water all over her bra.  She almost threw it back in my face.  I am a proper hillbilly born to intelligent cultured people in the city. Birth parents not stepparents, they weren’t that bright between the two of them.

I like beer, bonfires, fighting.. this is made worse with sugar or alcohol.  I really don’t need alcohol because a Reese’ cup does the same thing to me. Before I knew my biological  psycho was nuts, he used to call me Ellie Mae, scornfully. I was also compared to Anna Nicole when I was sick, during her tv years.. because hes a snob.  I’m not.  I would rather be Ellie Mae than a product of a poser/poseur.  Meaning of my rambling.. I’m ADHD, could you tell?

Point is, a lot of people can be bad.. or stupid or both.  Don’t be a silly sponge and soak it up because you have no faith rooted in yourself.  Nobody is ever going to give you a valid enough reason to love yourself.  You just have to say fuckoff I love me.. and will continue in this relationship happily, committed my whole life.  Some people marry themselves.  I wouldn’t go that far.

So much time is wasted, if you sponge it up, dwell on it.. fear because of it. Just decide you are going to love yourself.  If you can pick a sandwich, a paint color, a lipstick, a mate.  You can pick yourself.  I tell this to so many people, watching it dawn dramatically, clouds part, sun rays glimmer, a joyful halo appears. Then you know they are free, they can fight back, they can become a success again or for the first time ever.  Its amazing.

PS waltzing with cats, lizards.. even sticky babies excellent exercise.  So is capturing them and keeping them caged for photo ops.